June 2019

The purpose of this document is to get you, the reader, to know me via words I may not really find in my “initial” conversations with you. Of course, give it enough time and attention to detail, and we all will likely (hopefully) discover these details about one another. This document hopefully fast-tracks that discovery process (see footnote 1.).

Why? Why is it essential for everything to be quick and efficient? Why does dating have to be described as a “discovery process”? Am I just being a weird tech-bro? Well, to me, while there are many intangibles to finding a great partner, it is important to share some non-negotiable set of values with them. After the “looks and charm”-phase settles down, I believe a good, functional partnership will boil down to these non-negotiables. And I’d like to let you know what I’ve discovered about myself over these years. Unfortunately, most people don’t recognize the core set of values they possess, and when they do, many are unable to articulate it to others. This incapacity extends to the set of values they expect in a partner. Hopefully, this document conveys such nuances.

In addition to potentially reducing the time it will take to learn some details about me (see footnote 1.), this document is also self-serving: I use it as a tool to document my thoughts on dating, relationships, etc., which in turn helps me think clearly. It should hopefully give you an insight about how I think about these situations, thus helping you gauge how I’d respond to new situations which I may not have encountered before or mentioned here. Will that be useful to you? <shrugs shoulders> I don’t know. Maybe? Again, if nothing, this document helps my clarity in thought. If you have written out something like this: I would love to read it–I do genuinely like to learn how people think.

Another question to ask: why should you pay any close attention to what’s written out in this document. While words have some value, actions speak louder. It’s very easy to write out well-intentioned descriptions about oneself only to realize that, well, perhaps I am nothing like what my description reads. Without necessarily being disingenuous, there may just exist a large gap between one’s perception of themselves vs. their reality.
Further, you may agree with my world-view today but may end up totally opposing it a couple years down the line. Likewise, you may just not have the perspective for what I’m going on about here, may find it obnoxious, but may actually come around to it sometime down the line (I’ve know folks with whom this has happened). All these are valid points; I’m aware of the perils of generalizing with perhaps just one incident that may have occurred to me which made me realize that learning.
So use this document how you will. But if you’re thinking too much about how you could use this to “assess” whether I stay true to my words: you’ve already lost me. What I hope for is this document helps you think about what you want and who you are. In my mind, this is as much a tool to look inward and discover yourself as it is to discover me.

Also, to add perspective, I was perhaps 27 years old when these ideas crystallized in my head. I had dated one woman until then. I’m 30+ and I still agree with most of these thoughts.

After a thrilling setup <wears his shades>, here goes–my thoughts on things I value in myself and in a partner:

- Decent human being: This to me is a deal-breaker. I use the word ‘decent’ applied in its broadest sense. If you’re generally a dick, are pretentious, are self-serving, conniving, scheming, or disrespectful: we will not get along. The kinder and more respectful you are to everyone and everything around you unconditionally–for the sake of being kind and respectful really–the more you have my respect, which will eventually translate to deep affection. There’s a distinct sense of warmth I experience when I interact with folks who’re kind and respectful; people also generally characterize such interactions as “being genuine”. If that doesn’t happen between us, you’ll likely just interact with a “formal” me instead.

Most in my experience who’re pretentious, self-serving etc. are all deep-down just hurt and broken in many ways. I recognize that, but unfortunately, if it has taken years for you to form that as your defense mechanism, I’ll unlikely be able to “hit it off” with you, thus eliminating any possibility of working it out with you.

That said, I keep failing ever so often at being kind and respectful to folks: I’m work in progress myself.

One unfortunate side-effect of kindness I notice is that it often co-exists with spinelessness. In the process of being overly nice, they often miss out on asserting when it matters–bringing them dangerously close to being people-pleasers, push-overs, yes-men/women: traits neither I relate to nor respect.

Another (sorta) related trait that I deeply admire: general conscientiousness. I find it hard to connect with people who are apathetic and cynical about the world around them. I detest talkers–who can talk on and on about things, have lofty opinions, generally cynical, on everything from politics to sports, but don’t really act on anything.

- A theory of partners: I have a theory of partners which also explains more about how I view this world. I find people generally subscribe to one of the two following groups:

group A: those who find purpose and happiness in the material, and group B: those who find it in the abstract.

group A folks, in my experience, are those who perhaps may not have identified a sense of self yet, are content with pursuing “standard” goals like buying a house, owning fancy stuff, having a reasonably challenging job, etc., and don’t generally possess strong hobbies or pursuits.

group B folks, on the other hand, are those driven by abstract goals, have a set of interests which they keep pursuing, and generally experience a sense of accomplishment in these abstract pursuits. This drive generally also gets translated as ambition in these folks.

Being in either groups is just fine, and in fact, most of us can identify belonging to both groups to different degrees. I’ve found folks in both groups to be happy and content–something we should aspire to achieve. So far, so good.

However, when it comes to partners, I have noticed the following:

1. if both partners are from group A, they will likely be quite happy and content.
2. if both partners are from group B, there will be friction on who gets to “trade-off more” for the relationship to function healthily. This will likely happen because both would value their work/activities more, and as a consequence, will find it hard to manage their relationships. If they are both empathetic individuals, they’ll likely figure out what sacrifices each has to make, and when communicated right, will likely find a way out.
3. perhaps these problems will likely become serious when one belongs to one group each. In that case, the group A partner will always seek validation and fulfillment in the other partner, while the group B partner will seek out something larger and seek fulfillment in the abstract. This can devolve into all kinds of issues because this comes down to the core of what motivates each partner. The fundamental nature of these inner motivations will unlikely allow for many sacrifices either, to make things work out. Group A will likely always be frustrated and resentful of the fact that the other partner does not seek fulfillment in them, which the other partner will find just an odd thing to expect.

Having laid out this grand theory of mine, let me place myself in its context: I think I identify with group B much more than group A. I find these abstract goals to be fundamentally more important to me, which helps me justify the time I spend on this planet. I see activities that perhaps group A folks would cherish–the time we spend enjoying various aspects this life offers–as merely means to accomplish something abstract, something much larger than myself/us. Much like a refreshing drink on a long run: it’s absolutely essential, but isn’t really the focus of the run.

It is important for my partner to thus introspect and identify what their tastes are, and what motivates them. Where will they derive their happiness from on a day-to-day basis? Is it from their partner? If yes, will they be okay if their partner (in this case, me) doesn’t reciprocate in equal measure? That’s something to consider seriously.

An unfortunate reality of such thought exercises is that .a. it’s easy to fool oneself by claiming to be okay about something while the reality is the opposite .b. you (I) may genuinely not know what your (my) preferences are, and .c. your (and my) preferences can change (quite dramatically) over time. So consider this thought experiment with that grain of reality-salt.

A related note:
Over the years, I’ve also realized that group A likely attracts more consumers while group B attracts the creators. Creators are those who have an urge to create things, be it a song, a painting, a piece of software, a short film: essentially taking a germ of an idea and executing it until they see a finished product in front of them. Consumers are those who, sometimes unhealthily, like to consume: information, music, paintings—pretty much anything that the creators create. While there’s nothing wrong with being a consumer, I personally feel a strong sense of irritation and discomfort at being “greedily” just consuming without creating anything worthwhile.

I aspire to be a creator. For most of my life, I was just a consumer: a rather voracious one at that. Being a consumer is definitely fun, but it is easy. We rely on creators for our existence: creators of jobs, technology, governance policies, medicine, content, etc. These folks turn ideas, something which we all routinely come up with, into something tangible; they turn the abstract to the concrete. And over the last decade or so, I’ve found this to be an intensely challenging thing to do, while also being very fulfilling. I want to create things—institutions, practices, cultures, mindsets—that will hopefully be around when I’m long gone. And by institutions, I’m not talking about things like building a company, say. Companies will come and go, but if something I create, even a company, leads to setting an example of doing things sustainably and creatively, inspiring others to build similarly down the years, then I’ll find joy in it and call it a job well done.

Side note - I sometimes see “enjoying” the benefits of material comforts also as a form of consumption, which I hence very quickly find repulsive. There’s of course a balance there–I’m not a machine, and neither am I perfect. I do enjoy my fair dose of consumption. But generally, this is what’s playing at the back of my mind when I’m consuming for a while, after which I’ll look inward and be tempted to quickly act on it and compensate for that consumption streak.

A corollary (and an unfinished chain of thought at that; will revisit sometime):
I find it hard to idolize and blindly follow another person’s footsteps. I identify and greatly respect creators in an ecosystem (they are a rare species) and I will do my best to encourage as many to be creators themselves and do my best in creating such ecosystems for others. But I can’t come to terms with idolizing someone to the extent where I’m following their instructions blindly in achieving a common goal. I will perhaps if it’s a goal I deeply resonate with (most tasks I take up are pre-conditioned on me resonating with it), but I’m always a little uneasy. In such cases, I will always have a mind of my own and will constantly evaluate how I’d have achieved that goal had I done it myself and would then see if the instructions given to me matched my conclusions.
Is that an artifact of wanting to be a creator? <shrugs shoulder>

- Communication: What also comes with humility and kindness is the ability to communicate without ego getting in the way. I respect, practice, and expect frank and timely communication. I’ve written a note on the importance of communication in a professional setting.
I respect and exercise the same set of values in my personal relationships as well.

These three values—being a decent human being, realizing one’s inner motivations, and communication—to me are essential. Everything else can be worked out.

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Footnote 1 (January 2021): The intended purpose of fast-tracking this process has failed on the two occasions I’ve used it :-) Expected, but only kinda.

Footnote 2 (December 2022): I’m lucky to have found a partner whom I strongly resonate with on most points I mention above. This document, hence, will now serve an archival purpose.